lessons from a quarter century

lists

Original post on Substack: Lessons from a Quarter Century

I will soon have been alive for a quarter of a century. I hope I’ll look back at this list when I’m a third of a century years old (33.33333 years?) and see how far I’ve come.

It’s okay to prioritize relationships. The best part of life is to live it alongside and build it alongside people I care about and who care deeply about me. I used to be sheepish about admitting I moved somewhere because of a boyfriend or because my friend did it - but I’m not anymore. I think it’s okay for that to be the main reason I do something. Nothing is worth doing if it’s not for or alongside people I care deeply about.
I’m running my own race but not in the ways I thought. I always knew this to be true in the conventional comparison is the thief of joy way but I didn’t expect the second revelation — which is that there isn’t any defined path I can just take. I have a habit of extensively researching everything before I do it. Considering a career in software engineering? Watch every video possible and read every software engineering career guide. Up until I graduated, it was pretty clear what the next steps were at every point and there were plenty of guides I could lean on to figure out what the right thing to do was. Get an internship. Get good grades. Get a good job in a good city. Now, a couple years later and past my first promotion at work - it’s less clear what’s next. What ladders do I try to climb? What bets do I take to invest in my future self? Being in the driver’s seat takes up a lot of brain space.
None of my experiences are that unique. While the exact combination of everything I have experienced is likely to be unique to me, the experience of being a young Asian software engineer girl in her 20s navigating a foreign (ish) country is not. Whenever I get too in my head throwing a pity party for myself, reading a coming-of-age book or a Substack post by Ava Bookbear or watching Mylene’s Mind reminds me that none of my experiences are that unique. It’s a rite of passage to be learning these things and part of what it means to be an adult.
Everything is fleeting. Change is the only constant. I used to dream longingly of the days in the future when life would slow down and I would have some more stability. Maybe when I look back at this in 5 years, I’ll finally be there. But as of now, I’m not convinced. The last two years have been full of surprises — both good and bad — and a lot of change.
It’s okay to outgrow things that no longer serve me. While on #3 I cited some iconic coming-of-age writers and creators, I must admit - I also stopped being a paid subscriber and active viewer to much of their content in the last year. Words that once helped me feel so seen have done their job. I’m excited to find a new pocket of the internet where I can feel as seen as I did in the pandemic era sifting through a treasure trove of digital gardens, tech policy commentary zines and Substack bloggers.
Entropy is the default. Stability and order are intentionally carved out. This has revealed itself both in my career and personal life. Working at an early-stage company is messy. Nothing is defined unless someone defines it. There is no process unless someone makes it. I won’t be someone who has a routine unless I go and make a routine and take intentional steps to preserve it.
Opinions and worldviews expand and shift. I’ve learned to give myself more grace with the opinions I hold knowing that most of them will shift as I grow older and wiser. A lot of things I thought I strongly believed 5 years ago I don’t believe anymore. A lot of things I never thought I’d care about 5 years ago I care deeply about now. I have been toying with the idea in my head that with every year that passes, every opinion I have should either be challenged or qualified with more evidence - opinions are a living, breathing, dynamic thing.
Curiosity is the most valuable trait in the people I want to surround myself with. I had signals of this being an important value to me since early teenagerhood but I didn’t know how to name what it was until recently. It’s not a coincidence that most of my closest friends I met through working on projects together outside an academic or work setting and that my love language is sending people books and articles that I can discuss with them. The chance of someone becoming a close friend and being affiliated with Rabbitholeathon, Cozy Sundays or a similar high-curiosity organization is extremely high.
Nothing is ever as good as it seems or as bad as it seems. I first heard this from a Brian Armstrong tweet in my starry-eyed crypto days. It took me a few more years to internalize it. Like everything else in life, both joy and hardship are fleeting—there’s always more of either just around the corner. People love to remind you to “look on the bright side” when things are tough, but when things are good, it’s easy to forget they won’t last forever. I’m learning to appreciate the highs without getting complacent—because life is never just good or bad.
Sometimes, it’s really not that deep. I’m still working on getting the tension right between caring deeply about things and being intentional against remembering that when I zoom out, nothing really matters. It’s sometimes really not that deep. People can do things because they feel like it. People can do things without a clear motive. I can follow my gut even if I can’t pinpoint why I am doing the thing yet. I’ll only be able to connect the dots when I look backwards.1
Discussing controversial topics is how I grow. While I caveat this with being respectful — I don’t think shoving politics or controversial topics into every conversation is appropriate — polite society’s aversion to controversial topics is not conducive for developing nuanced perspectives. I won’t be able to strengthen my arguments or find gaps in my perspectives if I can’t talk about them. I deeply value friends who challenge me, let me ask "dumb" questions, and push me to think more critically.
Being opinionated is a search query2 for finding my people. This has manifested in hosting events like Cozy Sundays where everyone respects focus blocks. Or the Canadian Thanksgiving event I hosted last year where there was a clear expectation to come on time and stay the whole time. One of my NYC culture shocks was how often people schedule social events back to back and just “drop by” a dinner. I crave the hangouts that linger late into the night — heels off cozy sweaters on, conversation still buzzing and no one is in a rush to leave. Companies define their culture and expectations to build strong bonds and help people do their best work—so why not apply that to my own life? Setting clear intentions and expectations in the things I do has helped me attract friends who share my values and want to build meaningful relationships.
Just book the trip, and plan the thing. People crave opportunities to discuss, learn and share. Accountability groups. Reflection nights. Vision boarding. I used to be afraid events like these would seem cringe. But the more energy I put into creating them, the more I’ve gotten back. It turns out there are plenty of nerdy, curious and ambitious people out there—I just had to put out the signal. If I love doing something, chances are someone else will too. I don’t need to wait for an invitation. When I pour energy into what I love, the right people show up.
Everything is just built by some dude™3 Internalizing this has made me both appreciate but also be less intimated by things around me. I love the quote “ the world is a museum of passion projects ”. The things we take for granted, from apps to businesses to entire industries, were all started by regular people who decided to build something. It helps me
The worlds I want to be a part of are closer than I think. People I look up to all know each other. And if they are in tech, they are only a degree or two away. This was something I didn’t realize until I moved to Canada after high school. How much past networks compound and grow together wasn’t something I observed growing up in an international school community. It has changed how I see relationships and the people around me — as people stick around a lot longer than I expected.
It’s okay to outgrow people. Sometimes people who I once considered close friends are no longer and that’s okay. Everyone is just running their own search queries to find their people and there are usually no hard feelings. If I don’t think someone is a right fit for what I want out of a friendship anymore, it’s okay to let them go.
People will stick around if I stick around. I was in a constant cycle of new best friends every 2 years for the first 20 years of my life. While part of it was a me problem, I grew up in an international school community where most kids would move after 2-4 years. I’ve been pleasantly surprised in the last few years to have friends that have outlasted this 2-year cycle. Spending Christmas one year with Casey rewired my brain on how I think about friendships. Her group of friends had been best friends since middle school and went through life and challenges alongside each other. I don’t have many close friends that I’ve stayed close with for more than 2 years at a time. I started wanting to be the kind of person who has an abundance of these close, long-term friendships - and am being intentional about nurturing friendships. It’s always so heartwarming when this is reciprocated.
Producing is the most important signal of value. Discovering what I like to do and where my zone of genius comes from producing things. In a world where any information I want is at my fingertips, just reading about things won’t help me learn if I would be good at the thing or help me signal to the world that I can do the thing. I have to keep producing good work to discover the next opportunity or path to take.
Sometimes all I need is a weekend with no plans. As a self-proclaimed scheduleaholic I often find myself falling into the habit of over-scheduling and over-booking my life and getting overwhelmed. A weekend with no plans is always the best cure for over-scheduling-induced stress. Even though I know this is what I need, I will still complain about doing nothing by day 2 of a recovery weekend.
Making my parents’ truth my own. Growing up, I always thought I was so different from my parents. I didn’t end up going down the finance path like they did or like to do the activities they seemed to like. But some things stuck. My mom studied English literature and my dad studied economics. Now as an adult, I have rediscovered my love for words and storytelling and understand the world through incentive mechanisms and behavioural economics. I didn’t learn these things from them directly but I wonder how much of these core parts of my adult personality are tied back to the intangible ways they influenced me during my formative years. Oh, and I work in fintech. If you squint, that’s basically finance. So, as much as I tried to be different, it turns out some things were just inevitable. Maybe rebellion was never about being the opposite of them—just finding my own way back to the things they unknowingly instilled in me.
I can pick my battles. As someone who sees themselves as assertive and confident, I used to feel the need to stand my ground on everything. But I’ve learned that it’s okay, and a better use of my time, to pick my battles. I don’t need to speak up every time I disagree or feel a little bit wronged. Both to give more social grace to others who may be just having a bad day and to also save my fight for the battles that matter.
Health is important to prioritize. I mean this in every way, physical health, mental health, emotional health. Once I recognized this as a core value, I started distancing myself from people and activities that didn’t align with it. I stopped romanticizing wine nights. What I need is a lingering night in with my best friends, not the hangover that comes with it. It’s always a balance. Sometimes, sacrificing sleep for a late-night giggle session with my girlfriends is exactly what I need.
Sunlight is the best cure4 for everything. Growing up on a tropical island, I took it for granted. It wasn’t until I moved to cold, gloomy, dark Waterloo that I experienced seasonal depression and all the things that come with winter for the first time. I love my birthday month. Before moving to North America, I never experienced the joy of winter melting into spring. Now, my birthday feels even more meaningful, arriving just as the world begins to thaw, lifting me out of the depths of winter darkness.
Anything can be interesting and exciting to me if I find the right pockets of it. I’ve learned to treat it like a game—seeking out the part of what someone does or works on that sparks my curiosity. It’s also helped me be a more independent thinker when I reject by default that X is boring. There’s always something deeper to that or a part of it that fits into my zone of genius or interests — otherwise, why would anyone be doing it? This has proven true for things I previously assumed to be boring like accounting, databases, insurance policies and cleaning.
Saying no is just as important as saying yes. The hardest lesson to learn and one that I am still learning. Consistently saying yes for the first 20 years of my sentient life has gotten me far. It’s hard to unlearn this habit and internalize that every no leaves room for hell yes5.

thank you to all the people in my life who have helped me learn these lessons and workshop these over countless discussions. there are truly too many to name but you know who you are <3

rabbitholes

A snapshot of some things I’ve liked in the last couple of weeks.

Three Body Problem trilogy — this series ruined my sleep for 3 weeks. I just had to know what happened next. It tickled all the creative and nerdy parts of my brain.
Stories of Your Life and Others — on a little sci-fi kick recently and loved this collection of short stories
Ghia Non-Alcoholic Aperitif — I tried this recently at a random VC event and was immediately obsessed. It’s my favourite alcohol substitute I’ve tried to date. Looking to find more drinks like this in my sober curious phase.
Boom: Bubbles and the End of Stagnation — this has been on my bedstand since I pre-ordered it the day it flooded Twitter and I just started making my way through it last week.
I found out that pottery classes in NYC are in high demand and am currently waitlisted for a bunch of introduction to wheel courses. I am looking into woodworking classes or other skills I can learn that involve tools, creativity and building something useful or beautiful.
Gracie Abrams — I somehow missed the big Gracie Abrams hype train last year when she was touring with Taylor on the Eras tour. A random song by her popped up in my Spotify smart shuffle and now I’m obsessed and listening to her old albums.

1 One of my favourite Steve Jobs quotes

2 I borrowed this idea from Henrik Karlson

3 Term is used in the most gender-neutral way possible.

4 But always wear sunscreen.

5 When I need to remind myself I read Derek Siver’s Hell Yeah or No